National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc.

Hi, I am new here, too. I am having a hard time dealing with this. I am 32, have 3 kids-- 3, 8, and 10. I am married, but don't know how much longer... I also have a step-son (8) who doesn't want me around.
I have always been the "strong one" but am wondering how much strength I have left. I know that God promises to be here when things aren't so great, but I really could use some reassurance. I have always had to do things on my own-- basically because my parents had 6 kids and I was the middle child and oldest girl. I recently had my chemo IV treatment (almost 2 weeks ago) and now only have 2 places on my head with hair remaining. Because of my insecurity with my marriage, I kept my treatments and appointments from my husband. It's not that I didn't want him there-- it's that I wanted him to not feel pressured to be with me because of sympathy. I have been very hard to live with for the last few years. For the other appointments, my friend Sue was there. She flew down for everything. Yet, I thought since her grandson has been acting out, she needed to be with him. So, I didn't tell her about this last treatment. This being the case, I went alone. My ex's spouse came to pick me up because the hospital wouldn't release me without a ride.
Growing up, I am so used to being 'left out' and instead of me feeling unimportant and being seen as a burden, I thought it would be best to try to fight this alone. My stubbornness and insecurity has resulted in me pushing those I love away. I chose to handle this alone, and now I am stuck with the choice.

My mom had breast cancer. Several months back, my doctor and social worker called me in the office and sat next to me to discuss my lumpectomy lab results. After finding out that 2 lymph nodes were infected (which the surgeon removed), I suddenly realized that maybe I couldn't handle this alone. Sue my friend and Ruth my social worker encouraged me to call my parents. Knowing my dad was home (he's a retired doctor), I called home. Surprisingly, my mom answered. I broke down. I asked her to come to this meeting. I was so scared and wanted my parents! I felt like a child again. I wanted someone to kiss it, bandage it, and make it better... I don't know what I was thinking!! She told me that she couldn't come because it was almost noon and she had to get dressed for her doctor's appointment, which was at 2 PM (and it was less than a block away from where we were). I told her that I understood (which really wasn't the case--- I am the strong one). Then she told me to come by their house later that night and my dad would be glad to look over the pathology reports. I remember the looks on everyone's face-- Sue, Ruth, and my doctor. I saw shock and sympathy--- which is something I don't want anyone to feel for me. Needless to say, you could have shot me 10 times and I wouldn't have felt it. For some reason, whenever I needed a mother, I was always left searching. Yet, I felt I would find her that day because she went through treatment a couple of years prior. Nothing could hurt worse!! Any way, with that being said, I decided that I wouldn't have the support from my parents. And what makes it worse is that she denied this to my dad and the rest of my family! Yet, silence filled the room that I was in that day, and my counselor has been very supportive after hearing that conversation.
The problems with my insecurity in my marriage have kept me from allowing my husband the same opportunity that I gave my mom--- that which felt like a knife was wedged into my heart. I know it sounds crazy, but I have felt so unimportant for so long that I made that the case with my husband.
Now, I am scared and don't know if I can keep fighting this. I so wish that this was not happening to me!!
What happened to me is I guess i let the scars from my past turn into open wounds and I am at the point at which it's too late for blood donors....
I don't want any sympathy! But i was wondering if there is any one out there who can relate??