MyNBCF | Scared and want to cry

I know what you are going through is hard. I am going through my second round of cancer too. It's nice to have this web site and to find out that you are not alone. again.

by Laurie on 8/31/2007 at 7:40 am

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. IT IS A HORRIBLE FEELING WHEN YOU FIND OUT. BE STRONG AND THINK POSSITIVE. EARSE ALL THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. I KNOW THAT IS HARD BUT JUST AS GOD TO STAND WITH YOU AND WALK YOU THRU ALL OF THIS. I HAVE BEEN THERE TWICE AND IT IS NOT FUN. IT'S HELL. BUT BELIEVE IT IS NOT A DEATH SENTENCE AND YOU ARE A FIGHTER.

by njw951 on 8/28/2007 at 3:41 pm

Brenda I am praying for you. You are a survivor already and I know you can do it again. Dig deep and find that fight. Know that we are all here for you.

by Decaturjulie on 8/27/2007 at 2:36 pm

Dear Brenda,

Yes, that is a normal reaction, or at least it was with me and everyone I've ever met who was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been almost nine years ago since I received that horrible telephone call from my doctor telling me that I had breast cancer, yet I can remember every tiny little detail of his conversation, my shock, my emotional melt down, my fear, everything! So, please talk to other survivors and let them help you through this ordeal. Do you have a friend or relative who has gone through breast cancer? If so, contact them! Unfortunately, I had lost my father to lung cancer 4 years before I was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer. Then my oldest brother was diagnosed with lung cancer, which then went to his brain. I prayed to God to please take away my brother's cancer and give it to me because I could deal with a personal illness much better than I could with losing my brother. But, my brother lost his 3 year battle in 2000, 18 months after I was diagnosed. So, yes, I was terrified, the track record wasn't very good for surviving cancer in my family. But, things have changed so much and thanks to research and development of new procedures, earlier detection, new meds, we are surviving breast cancer! Each hospital and each major city has a local support group for breast cancer, please, please contact them so they can help you over the initial shock and fear. And, each year as I prepare for my diagnostic mammogram to see if it has returned, the fear returns (next month I have to go for my annual test). This, too, is normal, but I wish I could get beyond that. They say 5 years is a positive benchmark and that IF it was going to return, it would normally return within the first 5 years. Yes, some are diagnosed again after the 5 year landmark, but it's not as frequent as it used to be.

Yes, the fear is normal and there's not much we can say to you to get you beyond the fear because you do have to get through it before you can overcome it. But, the fears will lessen in time. May God bless you and give you the strength you need to get through this.

I'm new at this site, so I can't give you a lot of input about what to read here, but the most important thing is reading about your type of breast cancer, about your treatment options, etc. Things have changed so much in the nine years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, but my cancer surgeon was a godsend! He spent over an hour with me and my brother who was battling cancer, telling me what he was going to do during surgery: remove the margins from the "cyst" site that my OB GYN removed,(which turned out to be a stage III malignant cancer, over 3 cm in size), remove my lower level lymph nodes under my left arm, next to the cancer site, and do a biopsy on them BEFORE closing me up to make sure the cancer had not spread, then finding no cancer cells in my lymph node he could then insert the drainage tube and sew me up. IF the cancer had spread into my lymph nodes he was told to go ahead and do a radical mastectomy. So, when I awoke from surgery I didn't know what he had done. That was scary! I was lucky. It had only been 8 months since I had my last mammogram and this lump had not shown up. Fortunately, I was accidentally hit on my left side, which caused the cyst-like reaction. Overnight the cancer was as large as an egg, my OB GYN aspirated this "cyst" twice before he finally agreed to operate to remove it. He didn't even send the fluid off to be tested because he was so sure it was a cyst, not cancer! Needless to say, if he had done the biopsy on the fluid when I first went in it would have prevented me from having two surgeries, 2 weeks apart, a whole lot of pain during 3 aspirations and 2 mammograms and months of worry and recovery. I also had an option when I met with the chemo doctor, I could have gone through chemo during a six month period, and the chance of being sick would have been reduced. I chose the most aggressive "chemo cocktail" possible and took four rounds during a 2 month period, because I wanted to make sure all of the cancer cells were killed, just in case there were some maverick cells floating around in my body and not detected. Then I listened to every word of advice my chemo doctor gave me (get home within 2 hours of getting my chemo, take my anti nausea pill as soon as I got home and eat a pack of crackers with a glass of water, then go to bed). Yes, I lost my hair, but, I did not get sick as many do. Instead I kept telling myself that I was going to be fine and I followed the doctors advice precisely, no exceptions! One week after each chemo I made sure I stayed home all week because your immune system is nil because chemo kills all of the cells, good and bad, which leaves you vulnerable to everything! I stayed away from everyone, isolated myself in my room to watch funny movies, read funny books, went on the Internet and read constantly. I wrote in my journal and I wrote a very lengthy letter to my friends and family members who didn't know what to say to me, entitled "Cancer isn't catching!". I'll try to post it here if I can find a copy of it.

Yes, I lost my hair, but everyone said my new wigs and beautiful hats were sexy! It was a little different wearing hats, but I actually enjoyed it most of the time, it was like masquerading! In fact, I started wearing a scarf tied around my head (like the bikers wear) and then I'd put a sexy looking hat over it when I went out. My chemo was from October thru Dec., right during the holiday party season, so it was pretty interesting wearing these hats to the holiday parties. And, would you believe my last grandson was born on the day I had my 2nd chemo session! It was a c-section for my daughter, so I scheduled my chemo in the afternoon after he was delivered so I got a chance to hold him for a few minutes before going up for my chemo, at the same hospital. How great was that!

Sorry for the lengthy response, but I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone, the same fears you are experiencing, we too have experienced. If you don't remember anything else, please remember this: Think Positive! Laugh and watch only funny movies! The endorphins released by belly laughing helps! So, whatever you must do to find something funny to laugh at, please do it. That's what kept my spirits up and what kept me from getting deathly ill. I drove myself to the hospital for each of my 4 chemo rounds and my 38 radiation treatments that followed the chemo with no problem at all. Good luck to you and please do keep us posted.

Dear Brenda, Yes, that is a normal reaction, or at least it was with me and everyone I've ever met who was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been almost nine years ago since I received that horrible telephone call from my doctor telling me that I had breast cancer, yet I can remember every tiny little detail of his conversation, my shock, my emotional melt down, my fear, everything! So, please talk to other survivors and let them help you through this ordeal. Do you have a friend or relative who has gone through breast cancer? If so, contact them! Unfortunately, I had lost my father to lung cancer 4 years before I was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer. Then my oldest brother was diagnosed with lung cancer, which then went to his brain. I prayed to God to please take away my brother's cancer and give it to me because I could deal with a personal illness much better than I could with losing my brother. But, my brother lost his 3 year battle in 2000, 18 months after I was diagnosed. So, yes, I was terrified, the track record wasn't very good for surviving cancer in my family. But, things have changed so much and thanks to research and development of new procedures, earlier detection, new meds, we are surviving breast cancer! Each hospital and each major city has a local support group for breast cancer, please, please contact them so they can help you over the initial shock and fear. And, each year as I prepare for my diagnostic mammogram to see if it has returned, the fear returns (next month I have to go for my annual test). This, too, is normal, but I wish I could get beyond that. They say 5 years is a positive benchmark and that IF it was going to return, it would normally return within the first 5 years. Yes, some are diagnosed again after the 5 year landmark, but it's not as frequent as it used to be. Yes, the fear is normal and there's not much we can say to you to get you beyond the fear because you do have to get through it before you can overcome it. But, the fears will lessen in time. May God bless you and give you the strength you need to get through this. I'm new at this site, so I can't give you a lot of input about what to read here, but the most important thing is reading about your type of breast cancer, about your treatment options, etc. Things have changed so much in the nine years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, but my cancer surgeon was a godsend! He spent over an hour with me and my brother who was battling cancer, telling me what he was going to do during surgery: remove the margins from the "cyst" site that my OB GYN removed,(which turned out to be a stage III malignant cancer, over 3 cm in size), remove my lower level lymph nodes under my left arm, next to the cancer site, and do a biopsy on them BEFORE closing me up to make sure the cancer had not spread, then finding no cancer cells in my lymph node he could then insert the drainage tube and sew me up. IF the cancer had spread into my lymph nodes he was told to go ahead and do a radical mastectomy. So, when I awoke from surgery I didn't know what he had done. That was scary! I was lucky. It had only been 8 months since I had my last mammogram and this lump had not shown up. Fortunately, I was accidentally hit on my left side, which caused the cyst-like reaction. Overnight the cancer was as large as an egg, my OB GYN aspirated this "cyst" twice before he finally agreed to operate to remove it. He didn't even send the fluid off to be tested because he was so sure it was a cyst, not cancer! Needless to say, if he had done the biopsy on the fluid when I first went in it would have prevented me from having two surgeries, 2 weeks apart, a whole lot of pain during 3 aspirations and 2 mammograms and months of worry and recovery. I also had an option when I met with the chemo doctor, I could have gone through chemo during a six month period, and the chance of being sick would have been reduced. I chose the most aggressive "chemo cocktail" possible and took four rounds during a 2 month period, because I wanted to make sure all of the cancer cells were killed, just in case there were some maverick cells floating around in my body and not detected. Then I listened to every word of advice my chemo doctor gave me (get home within 2 hours of getting my chemo, take my anti nausea pill as soon as I got home and eat a pack of crackers with a glass of water, then go to bed). Yes, I lost my hair, but, I did not get sick as many do. Instead I kept telling myself that I was going to be fine and I followed the doctors advice precisely, no exceptions! One week after each chemo I made sure I stayed home all week because your immune system is nil because chemo kills all of the cells, good and bad, which leaves you vulnerable to everything! I stayed away from everyone, isolated myself in my room to watch funny movies, read funny books, went on the Internet and read constantly. I wrote in my journal and I wrote a very lengthy letter to my friends and family members who didn't know what to say to me, entitled "Cancer isn't catching!". I'll try to post it here if I can find a copy of it. Yes, I lost my hair, but everyone said my new wigs and beautiful hats were sexy! It was a little different wearing hats, but I actually enjoyed it most of the time, it was like masquerading! In fact, I started wearing a scarf tied around my head (like the bikers wear) and then I'd put a sexy looking hat over it when I went out. My chemo was from October thru Dec., right during the holiday party season, so it was pretty interesting wearing these hats to the holiday parties. And, would you believe my last grandson was born on the day I had my 2nd chemo session! It was a c-section for my daughter, so I scheduled my chemo in the afternoon after he was delivered so I got a chance to hold him for a few minutes before going up for my chemo, at the same hospital. How great was that! Sorry for the lengthy response, but I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone, the same fears you are experiencing, we too have experienced. If you don't remember anything else, please remember this: Think Positive! Laugh and watch only funny movies! The endorphins released by belly laughing helps! So, whatever you must do to find something funny to laugh at, please do it. That's what kept my spirits up and what kept me from getting deathly ill. I drove myself to the hospital for each of my 4 chemo rounds and my 38 radiation treatments that followed the chemo with no problem at all. Good luck to you and please do keep us posted.

by Sandy280 on 8/25/2007 at 11:44 pm

You are definitely no alone in feeling like this is going to be what kills you. I am and always have been a very strong person, but when I got my diagonosis of beast cancer, and saw the mass myself on screen........ well it just scared me silly. So then I started researching breast cancer and the more I learned, the more I thought I would be one of the statistics with the worst case scenario. Plus the cancer was so large, almost 3 cm and felt the size of golf ball. I just knew that since I didn't find it myself and it showed up in a mammogram that I had probably waited too long. I just knew it was going to be spread throughout my body. I was wrong, the got the cancer out with clear margins and it had NOT spread to the lymph system. I got a reprieve from God it seems. I am so thankful. Fear is not thinking negatively, the two are different emotions. You should not feel guilty for feeling fear. But that fear can make you find the things in life you are grateful for, it can make you relish every minute you have, it can lead you to a different kind of spiritual peace and those things are positive thinking. It is ok to feel fear, but please don't let it consume you. Let it spur you on to fight harder, be stronger and most of all, be at peace with yourself. I will remember you in my prayers.
Sharon

by srp4355 on 8/24/2007 at 10:05 am

Oh god yes, thought for sure it was a death sentence, i have cried and cried and cried thought i should have lost wheight from water lose. If you have been there before you know that it takes time to come to peace with it...and u will get there even though it really sucks u have to go through cancer again. But u know breast cancer is curable others are just treatable. When will u get the biopsy? and how larger or how many are they seeing in the mam...i have 6 in one breast that they told me was cyst for a year believe that crap !!!! Know that you are not along not by any means one out of 5 are diagnosed with breast cancer i will say a prayer for you tonight and my saying even on a bad day is ( God granted us a passage he didnt say it was going to be easy but if he takes us there he will get us through it) Not alone Wanda

by Wanda on 8/20/2007 at 7:12 pm

Brenda, please do not give up hope. Positive thoughts can make all the difference. I wish you all the best in your journey.

by Rachel on 8/20/2007 at 4:00 pm

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