National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc.

HI everyone, alot of u know me for i have been here now since june 2007. I will never forget the day i was told i had bc and i found this site. I was mis diagnosed for over two years saying i had a fybroid cyst...well no sorry by the time they staged me after mam, biopsy, cat skan, mri , bone skan , heart test, port . I was told i was a stage 11b. Ok let me tell u i was dumb as a box of rocks to any of this. And all i knew was when they talked it sounded like i was in a charlie brown cartoon wawawawa. I bought a stuffed animal and named it courage it has been through every test i have had with me. I bought a puppy to be in bed with me while i would be through chemo named her faith, now think i should have called her monster but she has been a blessing when i have been depresed she would listen and not say anything back but give kisses and i would have to out of that damn bed no matter what and take care of her and still do. Everything happen so fast like i wasnt even there just watching. The team go the game plan down fast for me, this was it i had choices..omg to much to handle right now. the aggressive plan was 4 a/c treatments as u know that is all u r allowed to do because it is so hard on the heart, then surgery full mast on right side and two layers of nods remeoved..ok now im thinking ...( hard) Im gonn a looose one of my ladies...and i have nice ladies ....im gonna loose my long dark aurburn hair and this will include all hair even eyelashes...As these things seemed important at the time they do not now. As the dr looks me dead in the eyes and says what treatment do u want ? i say i have no choice i have to many people in my life that love me and i cant die not now. Even thogh the tears come easy at this time and i am scared to death of the unknown. I stepped off the table with the tears and said ( i do not have time for this get rid of it) both drs stepped back and said wow what a attitude. Then it hit me and hit me hard ( I WAS MAD SO F MAD COULDNT STAND IT AND COULDNT UNDERSTAND WHY Then an angel came to see me...i was selling a puppy and she had to be a good 70 yrs old . She told me she just got done with her 5 yr pill and was a bc survivor, she looked me dead in the eyes when i told her i just found out and she told me. I have one thinkg to say to u and i mean it, u take the hair before it takes u dont let the chemo or the cancer take it take the step to take control from the start. And i treasure to this day what she said to me. A week before i was to start this hard chemo mykids were here and i said are u ready, they said we are when u are. With tears in eyes we went to my bed room with the shaver as they wrote in pink lip stick GI Wanda on my mirror we started, this i thought would be good for the kids as well and it was, we started with really weird cuts that i thought would never see on me we lauughed and took pictures, we got down to me haveing no hair and my daughter throws in mom u have a nice head...lol...this was the first step it took for control and it was the reality check that i was sick. As the weeks went on and the chemo was so bad i couldnt rem anything, burnt everything and im a good cook, more messages appeared on my mirror I love u momma, i am here for u momma, u r not alone, i love u more lol u couldnt see your self in the mirrior. I had to take it off because it was so over whelming with love my cup runnith over and i cried everytime i looked at it. I cried and cried and it just poured i should have lost wheight but no not me i was 135 and gaining weekly they told me it was the steroieds. I thanked God everyday for life even thtough the pain was so bad and the roller coaste ride was not slowing down. And the just plan mad would not go away. I prayed and all i could hear in my head was have faith. The drs would ask if i wanted to see te phyco...NOOOOOOOOOOOOO i will deal with this and figure it out. I wanted to fight it back i bought big pink monster slippers that wear to chemo i bought shirts that say b/c sucks in big pink letter i went to the store bald just to see if i would get stared at, maybe i wanted them too just so i could take the anger out, but damnt everone was so nice to me . Finally after about the 3rd a/c i was with hubby and i said i know what the anger is, i have always been in control of evrything in my life i made good money had my own money all my life never have been sick had 5 kids naturally.. and this i ha no control over i had to listen towhat ever one else said and i hated it for the first time in my life i wa being ocntroled...No matter what steps i took to take control it really did have it. I got done with the the 4th a/c treatments and got tired of crying over the mouth sores and throat sores. Now onto another type of chemo... They did the taxoter ap? i had a bad reaction really bad and they stopped and said ok lets get a month breaka and go onto surgery i can get u in in a month ...ok thank u god a break from chemo...next day call me tell me they have a slot for 11 days ...No god u told me a month.....ok rem never had surgery in my life still was unsure about not being a whole women. It was a quiet nite hubby in bed kids in bed and im sitting on the sofa deep in thought. Got up went into the ktchen open the cabent saw a plate and threw it at the wall. I didnt cry this time it just fell like a puddle omg that felt so good . took another one threw it felt better next thing i rem the middle of kitchen was nothing but broken plates i did this unti i tired, oh yea u can call me nuts but danm did that feel good i went back to the sofa and sat down no more tears falling just this feeling i hadnt felt in so long i felt so damn gooooooooooood the anger was gone.Ok Cancer the fight is really on now, i am bald, i have no eyebrows, no eyelashes cant rem a damng thing u will not take anything else from me...u will die not me. I got through the surgery and i was a trooper i thought seeing my breast gone would be bad and thought even having to deal with the scar would be bad but it wasnt im on a cancer killing mode now.I am mae on the inside u can take for a while what is on the out side but u sure the hell am not going to take who i am. ok they do the surgery oh well another bump in the road go figure im not a 11b im a 111a.....thats worse they took out 16 nods 5 cancer 3 affected by chemo...ok how bad now...do i want to know or just keep going? ok they tell me we want u to do 12 chemo treatments once a week of taxatle and then on to radiaton 30 treatments 5 days a week...ok but still wondering how bad. and lymphdoma is stetting in the arm. Ok another bump in road.. go to see my dr and she is been put in bed getting ready to have baby oh no new dr never saw before i dont ask anymore what can happen now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u learn that fast with b/c. I meet this new dr and he has been pre warned i have attitude.. HE did a full check up on me more than the other dr did, i asked the Q how bad is the 111a the other dr didnt offer any imformation, he got on the computer and he pulled up the charts and i was the lowest in both catagories with the size of tummor of which i forgot to tell at first they thought i had three but after surgery it was 2 on top of each other the rest were cysts then he told me by nod involvment i was low . OMG thank U JESUS...Then i said i am almsot done ( he said no u r not) and i said i prefer to look at the glass half full thank you, he said u still have the radiation to do and then the pill who knows maybe for ever im estrogen + then u have to see me every 4mo ....and on and on I looked at him and said this has been the highest mt in my life to climb and for me when i am done wth chemo i am done!!!! I again said i prefer to look at the glass half full that i have endured the worse year of my life and chemo sucks so thats the way i am going ot look at it. He took me by the hand and said to me when people ask me what i do for a living they tell me i am a buzz kill, then he held my hand tighter and siad we like to tie u to the back of a pick up truck and drag u around for a year, because u r curable. When u r not curable we take it easy on u and not make it so hard on u for u to have the best quality of the rest of your life we treat u to keep u alive but we dont drag u behind the pickup truck. I said i want to be cookin thanksgivne dinner in the next 20 years he said no i want u to be cooking it int he next 40 years.I left out of there feeling so good, but still have to wonde when are u really a survivor, that is a ? i have heard alot of people say because for the rest of our lives we will live with the hope of it not coming back. Well ladies and gents, i have 7 more treatments and then on to radiation and in between the break for radiation will see my grandson born....this has been a high mt but i am climbing it with all i have. And for the new ones here dont be scard to cry!!!!! cry cry cry i still do for nothing, our lives have been changed, and like my daugter said to me we are who we are on tbe inside not the outside, and if God takes us there he will get us through it. We will learn unbelievable things from this as compassion has over whelmed me. And to really see people who volunteer there time to be nice to us and nurses who call this our insurance to live when we feel like we cant take it anymore, i have had the same nurse to my infussioins the whole time i love u , i gay sob, because u have been the most sarcastic funny and serous perosn i have ever met. You have been a big part of me getting through this and your hug i get before i leave everytime that is so sencere. Rem u new ones that anything that was normal is not anymore and u will not freak out about the little things becasue u willnot know what normal is anymore. I wll be back there next thursday with my i hate chemo hat on my breast cancer sucks shirt and my stuffed animal and my big monster slippers with a smile on my face, because i am going ot beat the hell out of this desease stay strong all new ones and those with family u love just diagnosed rem cancer effects not just the one with it but the whole family,, again i am sorry about the spelling i am in chemo land right now but i want to end this with something i got tickled over in the breast cancer book for dummies...written by a survivor.
THE THING WITH RADIATION IS U DONT FEEL ANYTHING BUT TIRED, BUT IS IT LIKE GTTTING A REAL BAD SUNBURN,AND SOMETIMES YOUR SKIN BREAKS DOWN BLISTERS.MY TREATMENT STARTED WITH CHEMO NOV 6 2000. MY LAST CHEMO MAY 24 2000. AND MY LAST TREATMENT OF RADIATION WAS AUG 16 2000.WHEN U R GOING THROGH ALL OF THIS U WONDER IS THERE A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. ' I WALKED OUT OF THE RADIATION CLINIC KISSED THE GROUND AND YELLED THANK U GOD FOR I HAD MADE IT TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN ....
BY NAN R.
I hope i have given some of u new ones and u oldies like me a smile and some support through our hard time that only we understand
love and support Wanda