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Have I woke up from this nightmare yet....someday, oh someday.
by wannabestrong on 3/8/2008 at 3:21 pm in GeneralHi, My name is Laura and I am 45 years old. 3 children, 2 step children and 5 grandchildren. Life has been hard for me over the past 4 years, starting with a hysterectomy - leaving one ovary - in 2002, severe pain and mulitple operations over the past 5 years. I had extreme pain, like someone cut my abdomen open with a knife, it started after my hysterectomy. Pain came about every 20-25 days and lasted about a week or so. Nothing helped. My Gyno did laproscopic surgery to diagnose, cleaned up adhesions (since I had 3 c-sections) took out a rotten apendix and thought that was it. Nope....Pain Came back. Had colonoscopies (3) an Endoscopy and finally a surgeon suggested diagnostic and repairing my scars incase that was the pain. He opened me up and said my fascia wall was black with endometriosis...he took out my abdominal fascia wall and replaced it with cadaver mesh. OH, MY LORD....I have a fake abdomen and the pain came back....this was October 2006. I hoped to be pain free, but within 3 months...It was back again and 5 times worse than before. My Gyno put me on heavy Hormones, Lupron, A-Gestin, Prometrium, etc. Well the lupron shut down my ovary and then the pain stopped. Well, why couldn't they figure that out before I had all the other surgeries and now a fake abdomen wall.
SO, I was scheduled to have my surgery removing my last ovary and lift my bladder and clean up the endometriosis that was present on Dec. 6, 2007. I went for my pre-op testing and had my yearly mamo at the same time....
Surgery went well and I was home recovering for 2 days when I got the call that my mamo was bad...I said, "Bad, like it was unreadable or there was something wrong with the film." The woman on the other end of the phone said, "I can't discuss that with you, you'll have to speak with your doctor."
My doctor said he was unimpressed with the calcifications that showed on my mamogram, his wife is an oncology radiologist doctor and he would run it by her. She didn't think it was anything to worry about, then sent me to a surgeon for another opinion. The surgeon said, "I don't think there is anything to worry about but, I wouldn't bet your life on it." When I argued Why, then WHY SHOULD I TROUBLE MYSELF WITH A BIOPSY??? He calmly said, "let's just get the biopsies to have peace and put it behind us."
I had bi-lateral biopsies and it wasn't painful or as hard as I struggled with. It was fairly simple and painless. A pinch. I went home and felt pretty sure I was fine. NO WORRIES.
Then, the next day, FEB. 1st. I had an appointment to get my post mamogram and when I walked in, the women couldn't even look me in the face. I knew, I knew something was wrong. They sat me down and it burst out of my mouth..."I have cancer, don't I?" She said yes, you have a malignancy. I felt that all the air had sucked out of the room. I almost screamed, but hysterically cried....my husband came in and we both cried together. I think the air sucked out of his world too.
I had already an apt. with my surgeon the next day, so when I went, I brought support. My Father and My Mother, My best friend (who had cancer twice) and My Husband....it probably freaked out the doctor when he walked in the room and saw the posse in front of him. He never looked at his watch, acted rushed or even lost his patience as all of us bombarded him with question after question. He told me I wasn't a candadate for lumpectomy because of the DCIS that was scatter throughout and the lobular carcinoma that they weren't sure if it was invasive, due to the biopsy. I asked him, "If I was your wife, what would you do?" He clearly told me have a mastectomy....I had one week to research and make my decisions. I chose to have a Bi-lateral because I was 38DD and after meeting with the plastic surgeon about reconstruction...and mainly because I didn't want to ever here, "YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER" ever again.
February 11, 2008...10 days later...Surgery Came and Went and I came home 36 hours after surgery with some heavy little drainage tubes and granades hanging from my sides...I actually came home wearing my hospital gown and the nurse gave me a couple to have at home.
I was in so much pain, I could not believe they let me out of the hospital....But, they tell me I was lucky to have stayed that long.
I could not escape the pain, until 1 week later when my doctor changed my pain medicine. It felt like barbed wire wrapped around my chest and those tubes, the incision on the sides, they itched and hurt and the sucking feeling, the nerve endings and the phantom pain....I thought I would loose my mind.
21 days later, I had my tubes out. That was a story in itself. The left breast tube had started to heal inside and it stretched and stretched and I passed out before the got the tube loose. But, the pain did go away quickly. Guess what....I felt so much better before I got to the car. Better than I have since my surgery.
It was like night and day...I went home, rested and then the next day I was on the treadmill, moving freely and finally realizing I AM getting better. I really AM getting better. I no longer am in pain and uncomfortable...just uncomfortable.
I have met lots of new Cancer friends from this site and now feel that I can share and be there for those who are JUST feeling the moment when the air was sucked out of the room. I can hold someone elses hand and let them know it will soon pass and you can cry on my shoulder, just like those who expressed that to me 26 days ago. I feel stronger and more couragous than I have before and know that GOD has been with me this whole time and will continue to carry me when I have had enough.
Cancer, that ugly word. It is amazing how it was just an Ugly word and nothing more...until you have to live with it. It is now Your Life. AND it is great to be alive.
It is surely great to be alive.
God Bless all of Us
SO, I was scheduled to have my surgery removing my last ovary and lift my bladder and clean up the endometriosis that was present on Dec. 6, 2007. I went for my pre-op testing and had my yearly mamo at the same time....
Surgery went well and I was home recovering for 2 days when I got the call that my mamo was bad...I said, "Bad, like it was unreadable or there was something wrong with the film." The woman on the other end of the phone said, "I can't discuss that with you, you'll have to speak with your doctor."
My doctor said he was unimpressed with the calcifications that showed on my mamogram, his wife is an oncology radiologist doctor and he would run it by her. She didn't think it was anything to worry about, then sent me to a surgeon for another opinion. The surgeon said, "I don't think there is anything to worry about but, I wouldn't bet your life on it." When I argued Why, then WHY SHOULD I TROUBLE MYSELF WITH A BIOPSY??? He calmly said, "let's just get the biopsies to have peace and put it behind us."
I had bi-lateral biopsies and it wasn't painful or as hard as I struggled with. It was fairly simple and painless. A pinch. I went home and felt pretty sure I was fine. NO WORRIES.
Then, the next day, FEB. 1st. I had an appointment to get my post mamogram and when I walked in, the women couldn't even look me in the face. I knew, I knew something was wrong. They sat me down and it burst out of my mouth..."I have cancer, don't I?" She said yes, you have a malignancy. I felt that all the air had sucked out of the room. I almost screamed, but hysterically cried....my husband came in and we both cried together. I think the air sucked out of his world too.
I had already an apt. with my surgeon the next day, so when I went, I brought support. My Father and My Mother, My best friend (who had cancer twice) and My Husband....it probably freaked out the doctor when he walked in the room and saw the posse in front of him. He never looked at his watch, acted rushed or even lost his patience as all of us bombarded him with question after question. He told me I wasn't a candadate for lumpectomy because of the DCIS that was scatter throughout and the lobular carcinoma that they weren't sure if it was invasive, due to the biopsy. I asked him, "If I was your wife, what would you do?" He clearly told me have a mastectomy....I had one week to research and make my decisions. I chose to have a Bi-lateral because I was 38DD and after meeting with the plastic surgeon about reconstruction...and mainly because I didn't want to ever here, "YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER" ever again.
February 11, 2008...10 days later...Surgery Came and Went and I came home 36 hours after surgery with some heavy little drainage tubes and granades hanging from my sides...I actually came home wearing my hospital gown and the nurse gave me a couple to have at home.
I was in so much pain, I could not believe they let me out of the hospital....But, they tell me I was lucky to have stayed that long.
I could not escape the pain, until 1 week later when my doctor changed my pain medicine. It felt like barbed wire wrapped around my chest and those tubes, the incision on the sides, they itched and hurt and the sucking feeling, the nerve endings and the phantom pain....I thought I would loose my mind.
21 days later, I had my tubes out. That was a story in itself. The left breast tube had started to heal inside and it stretched and stretched and I passed out before the got the tube loose. But, the pain did go away quickly. Guess what....I felt so much better before I got to the car. Better than I have since my surgery.
It was like night and day...I went home, rested and then the next day I was on the treadmill, moving freely and finally realizing I AM getting better. I really AM getting better. I no longer am in pain and uncomfortable...just uncomfortable.
I have met lots of new Cancer friends from this site and now feel that I can share and be there for those who are JUST feeling the moment when the air was sucked out of the room. I can hold someone elses hand and let them know it will soon pass and you can cry on my shoulder, just like those who expressed that to me 26 days ago. I feel stronger and more couragous than I have before and know that GOD has been with me this whole time and will continue to carry me when I have had enough.
Cancer, that ugly word. It is amazing how it was just an Ugly word and nothing more...until you have to live with it. It is now Your Life. AND it is great to be alive.
It is surely great to be alive.
God Bless all of Us
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Want to leave a comment? Login or Register now!Here is a reason I know GOD puts Angels in our path. Angels to help us cope. We just have to make sure we keep our hearts open to recognize them.
I am a kitchen and bathroom designer. I own my own company and have a mobile showroom. www.laurawallace.com is my company for any of you living in SW Florida in need of some remodeling. Any way...I think it was the day before my MRI, I had an appt. with a woman who wanted to remodel her kitchen...During our visit, we somehow got on the subject of GOD...then Cancer...She is a cancer survivor and went through a terrible battle and chemo/mastectomy/etc. She had just finished her treatment and decided that she was going to treat herself with the remodel. I told her what I was facing and we sat and talked and of course, cried. She was an Angel God put in front of me. She encouraged me and inspired me, helped me with her knowledge and shared her wisdom and her testimony. As I gave her a beautiful kitchen remodel, she gave me stregnth to get through my ordeal. By the way...We have become close friends.
I want to share my Angels essay with you all. I will also post on new discussions. She wrote this, one of many as she was recovering. Hope this inspires you.
Because I Can
by Shirley Foor
There I was, idling in traffic on I-75 (Well, it seemed liked I was
idling. I was traveling the speed limit, and I was the only one in the
“slow traffic” lane.) As the semis, the F250s, the Ram 3500s, and the
Lexus SUVs, to name a few, swooshed past, I wondered why I was driving
more than two hours to have lunch with an old friend. Because I know
I’ll have a good time? Absolutely. Because I have missed her company
and conversation? You bet. Because I wanted an outing? Yes. Because I
liked to drive anywhere, anytime? Yes.
All good thoughts, but, like the traffic, they speed right past the
compelling truth. I am swooshing along the road with the speeding
crazies because I can. I can because I am competent. I can because I
am alive and well. I can because I have the time. I can because I have
no other commitments. I can because I can!
The sign in front of a local church once proclaimed: Success comes in
cans, not in can’ts.“ Well, my pantry is fully stocked with cans these
days. In fact, this can is so solid I’m going to add it to my other
standards: “Because God said,” and “It just is.” Depending upon the
circumstances, when someone asks a question that is unanswerable or
makes a rhetorical statement, I answer with one of the two phrases.
Sometimes those are the only responses that make any sense.
Now, when someone is puzzled by my behavior asks why I’m doing this
thing or that, I’ll answer “because I can.” Not that I need an
explanation for them. I don’t. But I always seem to try. Like there
really needs to be an answer. Ask me no questions, and I won’t make up
anything. But if you ask, with strength and conviction I’’ answer
“Because I can.”
After two years of restrictions of one sort or another, the cans are
beginning to stack themselves. I can drive to have lunch with a friend.
I can go to the folk school in North Carolina. I can participate in a
prepublication book focus group in Eau Gallie. (Yeah, but that’s a
whole other story.) I can teach my fingers to “see” the keys on the
organ and match them to the music I read. I can pack my bags and go
visit friends in Tennessee and North Carolina, and maybe even Ohio. I
can, I can, I can.
Now my life brims with complex sounds like one of Mozart’s most
playful compositions. It is as colorful as a sky full of hot-air
balloons. It smells like fresh earth after a gentle rain
Okay. So you think I am over the edge. Yes, I have experienced
unusual, constricting, sometimes harrowing events in recent months.
But, in reality, I am not a whole lot different from nearly everyone I
know. I just discovered the possibilities ahead the hard way. I wish I
had gained this perspective when, during the weeks of chemotherapy, I
was doing my grocery shopping late at night, when most people were home
in bed, for instance. Instead of thinking, “I gotta go shopping tonight
because...” Because I have less chance of contracting germs that will
give me an infection. Because I don’t want to ask the kids for one more
favor. Whatever. I could have given myself a healthier perspective.
“I’m going grocery shopping later tonight because I can. Because the
store is open all night. Because I am strong enough to do my own
shopping. Because I can see to drive at night. Because I can...”
Because I can is far more empowering than, “I gotta...”
Here’s the hooker. Virtually every person I know could use a good dose
of “Because I can...” No matter what the task, if we approach it with a
“have to” attitude, our energy level takes a nosedive. Given the
stresses of living in today’s world, we need all of the energy we can
manage. Conserving our own energy is even more important than
conserving our fossil fuel. We can adjust our lives to do without, if
we have the energy to do.
So, rather than fuss about having to deal with the insurance company,
or snarl because the hospital’s billing office sent the bill to Aetna
instead of Medicare, or seek a contractor to remodel my kitchen (the
kind of task that generally causes me to play hide and seek with logic
and reason), I am not going to waste energy thinking about it. I’m just
going to get the job done. Because I can. Because God gave me a good
brain. Because I can think on my feet. Because I can.
Why in the world would I consider taking a hot-air balloon ride?
Because I can. Will I take the trip? I very well might. Because I can.
Why am I going to investigate the possibility of entering a work-study
program at John Campbell Folk School? Because I can. Why would I want
to spend six weeks working off my tuition for classes at the school?
Because I am healthy enough and strong enough and intrigued enough.
Because I can.
So, the next time, before you ask “Why...,” be ready to answer...
Because she can. Remember for yourself -- because I can.
I want to say Thank you for all your nice comments. I am strong...but I am weak also. I cry and get cranky, scared, emotional and am a wreck at times. I think it is understandable...However...today, I shaved my legs. Here is a reason I know GOD puts Angels in our path. Angels to help us cope. We just have to make sure we keep our hearts open to recognize them. I am a kitchen and bathroom designer. I own my own company and have a mobile showroom. www.laurawallace.com is my company for any of you living in SW Florida in need of some remodeling. Any way...I think it was the day before my MRI, I had an appt. with a woman who wanted to remodel her kitchen...During our visit, we somehow got on the subject of GOD...then Cancer...She is a cancer survivor and went through a terrible battle and chemo/mastectomy/etc. She had just finished her treatment and decided that she was going to treat herself with the remodel. I told her what I was facing and we sat and talked and of course, cried. She was an Angel God put in front of me. She encouraged me and inspired me, helped me with her knowledge and shared her wisdom and her testimony. As I gave her a beautiful kitchen remodel, she gave me stregnth to get through my ordeal. By the way...We have become close friends. I want to share my Angels essay with you all. I will also post on new discussions. She wrote this, one of many as she was recovering. Hope this inspires you. Because I Can by Shirley Foor There I was, idling in traffic on I-75 (Well, it seemed liked I was idling. I was traveling the speed limit, and I was the only one in the “slow traffic” lane.) As the semis, the F250s, the Ram 3500s, and the Lexus SUVs, to name a few, swooshed past, I wondered why I was driving more than two hours to have lunch with an old friend. Because I know I’ll have a good time? Absolutely. Because I have missed her company and conversation? You bet. Because I wanted an outing? Yes. Because I liked to drive anywhere, anytime? Yes. All good thoughts, but, like the traffic, they speed right past the compelling truth. I am swooshing along the road with the speeding crazies because I can. I can because I am competent. I can because I am alive and well. I can because I have the time. I can because I have no other commitments. I can because I can! The sign in front of a local church once proclaimed: Success comes in cans, not in can’ts.“ Well, my pantry is fully stocked with cans these days. In fact, this can is so solid I’m going to add it to my other standards: “Because God said,” and “It just is.” Depending upon the circumstances, when someone asks a question that is unanswerable or makes a rhetorical statement, I answer with one of the two phrases. Sometimes those are the only responses that make any sense. Now, when someone is puzzled by my behavior asks why I’m doing this thing or that, I’ll answer “because I can.” Not that I need an explanation for them. I don’t. But I always seem to try. Like there really needs to be an answer. Ask me no questions, and I won’t make up anything. But if you ask, with strength and conviction I’’ answer “Because I can.” After two years of restrictions of one sort or another, the cans are beginning to stack themselves. I can drive to have lunch with a friend. I can go to the folk school in North Carolina. I can participate in a prepublication book focus group in Eau Gallie. (Yeah, but that’s a whole other story.) I can teach my fingers to “see” the keys on the organ and match them to the music I read. I can pack my bags and go visit friends in Tennessee and North Carolina, and maybe even Ohio. I can, I can, I can. Now my life brims with complex sounds like one of Mozart’s most playful compositions. It is as colorful as a sky full of hot-air balloons. It smells like fresh earth after a gentle rain Okay. So you think I am over the edge. Yes, I have experienced unusual, constricting, sometimes harrowing events in recent months. But, in reality, I am not a whole lot different from nearly everyone I know. I just discovered the possibilities ahead the hard way. I wish I had gained this perspective when, during the weeks of chemotherapy, I was doing my grocery shopping late at night, when most people were home in bed, for instance. Instead of thinking, “I gotta go shopping tonight because...” Because I have less chance of contracting germs that will give me an infection. Because I don’t want to ask the kids for one more favor. Whatever. I could have given myself a healthier perspective. “I’m going grocery shopping later tonight because I can. Because the store is open all night. Because I am strong enough to do my own shopping. Because I can see to drive at night. Because I can...” Because I can is far more empowering than, “I gotta...” Here’s the hooker. Virtually every person I know could use a good dose of “Because I can...” No matter what the task, if we approach it with a “have to” attitude, our energy level takes a nosedive. Given the stresses of living in today’s world, we need all of the energy we can manage. Conserving our own energy is even more important than conserving our fossil fuel. We can adjust our lives to do without, if we have the energy to do. So, rather than fuss about having to deal with the insurance company, or snarl because the hospital’s billing office sent the bill to Aetna instead of Medicare, or seek a contractor to remodel my kitchen (the kind of task that generally causes me to play hide and seek with logic and reason), I am not going to waste energy thinking about it. I’m just going to get the job done. Because I can. Because God gave me a good brain. Because I can think on my feet. Because I can. Why in the world would I consider taking a hot-air balloon ride? Because I can. Will I take the trip? I very well might. Because I can. Why am I going to investigate the possibility of entering a work-study program at John Campbell Folk School? Because I can. Why would I want to spend six weeks working off my tuition for classes at the school? Because I am healthy enough and strong enough and intrigued enough. Because I can. So, the next time, before you ask “Why...,” be ready to answer... Because she can. Remember for yourself -- because I can.
God is good....keep me posted on your progress.
wow.....you certainly are one brave woman! I just had a bilateral mastectomy on the 26th of February...I'm right there with you! And yes, how wonderful to be alive!!! God is good....keep me posted on your progress.