National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc.

Where to begin .. What a idiot I was .. What was I thinking .. I knew that lump was there..was I too busy?? or just a fool .. I thought that if I prayed hard enough it would go away .. God forgive me for my selfishness .. Damn I have a wonderful family and my baby's .. Shayna 23 and Joe 20 .. I was making their world crumble .. I'm suppose to be here for them .. no matter how old they are .. they are still my baby's .. I brought them into this world and there is so much for us to do .. These were some of the things running through my head that dreaded day Oct. 30,2006 .. the day I heard those words .. ( You have Breast Cancer ) .. How could this be .. I just turned 45 .. what a birthday gift that was .. Where do I go from here .. how can this be happening .. I'm losing my mind .. Thank God my family (husband,sister, and my children ) took action .. finding the best Drs. in our area .. researching .. keeping me sane .. you see I couldn't handle it .. I didn't want to die .. Anxiety was overhelming .. xanax (anxiety med.) became my best friend .. Dr. appointments, and test after test .. family always at my side .. after countless drs visits and conversations we had a plan .. my cancer was in my left breast 2cm. .. odds of it attacking my right breast down the line very high .. Guess what a no brainer for me .. take them off .. both of them .. So Dec 5,2006 I had both my breast removed (bilateral) .. had a port-a-cath placed in my chest to assist in my up and coming Chemo treatments .. Surgery went well .. came home next day .. drains and all .. no pain .. drains were uncomfortable though .. then got word that 3 of the lymph nodes that were removed during surgery tested positive .. this meant another surgery .. they needed to take more lymph nodes out so they can stage me .. so Jan 10,2007 had second surgery .. all nodes were OK .. thank God .. I am stage 2 Her 2 pos .. Time to start chemo my treatment was aggressive .. first 3mths of treatment were with the drugs Adriamycin,Cytoxan,Amend and benedryl and a Neulasta shot the day after treatment to help with the white blood count .. these I received every 3wks. By the 18th day after my treatments began .. there starts the hair loss .. my daughter cut my hair twice for me .. shorter .. shorter .. then it got crazy .. pain .. my few hairs I had hurt .. a weird hurt .. my son assisted in shaving his mom bald .. this took away that strange pain .. I cryed like a baby .. I was ugly .. I couldn't believe what was happening .. Here I stand 45 yrs old Bald and No Chest .. I hated mirrors .. and after a shower no way could I look at myself .. look at what this cancer did to me .. my children were wonderful they comforted me everyday .. I never felt so Loved .. I knew I had to fight .. I couldn't hurt my children .. this time I was not going to be a fool .. My husband I often thought that he didn't understand .. how could he know what I was feeling .. everytime he tryed to comfort me .. I looked at him like he was crazy .. but, you see he did understand .. he didn't mind the way I looked .. it was just me .. uncomfortable with myself .. I would often go upstairs and be by myself .. I didn't want to look like Uncle Fester (from the Adams Family) .. Food .. oh no .. the smell made me feel sick .. needless to say when my family ate I went upstairs .. gaterade and ensure were about all I could handle .. then I'd get weird cravings so I ate whatever .. whenever I could .. no matter how strange .. almost felt like a pregnant women .. Sleep .. well not much of that .. get it when I can .. chemo doesn't allow us to sleep well .. and chemo brain .. forgetfulness .. oh yeah .. Jigsaw Puzzles and me all hrs of the night .. neighbors probably thought that I was weird .. keep your mind active ..Finally made it threw the first 3 mths .. all blood work was good .. time to start the next stage of chemo .. drugs .. meds. are not as bad .. treatment lightens up .. Taxol and Herceptin where my drugs .. and guess what hair .. YIPPIE its coming back .. curly though .. never had a curl in my life .. but its hair and I'll take it .. Thank you Jesus! These treatments I receive every week though .. muscle and joint pain got worse .. heating pad became my friend .. tingling in hands and feet .. this they say will pass and it did ..Well, its July and I finished the second stage of chemo .. Now onto radiation .. the fun never stops .. 25 radiation treatments .. these are done consecutive .. got a bad burn under the arm but, its ok...made it through that ..I'll receive Herceptin treatments till the end of March 2008 .. I get treatments every 3 wks. I have 5 more to go .. then I pray that I beat this beast .. F$#@ck Cancer!! Just had another surgery on Jan 30th , this time they took out my ovaries .. sometimes it seems like the battle never ends! Well everyone my genetic test results are in .. ( NO MUTATIONS ) Thank You Jesus!! Finally a test with Great Results .. I'll update as my journey continues .. God Bless All of Us .. we are all sisters with a common bond and I love you's all .... :-)