<?xml version="1.0"?><rss version="2.0"><channel><title>whynotme's Journal RSS Feed</title><link>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/rss</link><description>whynotme's Journal RSS Feed</description><item><title><![CDATA[Raindrops keep fallin on my bald head]]></title><link>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/8148</link><guid>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/8148</guid><description><![CDATA[OK I'm gonna sound like a total nut, but it fills damn good to take a cool shower in 90 degree weather without a hair on my body. It fills good to be able to come home and take off my hair. It feels good not to have to shave, and my eyebrows can be whatever shape or color I want them to be, lol. But seriously, I know that loosing hair is MUCH, MUCH, more important to some than others, I've had short hair, long hair, and somewhere in between throughout different periods in my life, and I can't say that loosing my hair was the end all for me. If you are one of the many that worked so hard on a healthy full head of hair only to loose in in almost one fail swoop to BC, I am truly sorry. I pray that all of us can suck, squeeze, ring, and stomp every positive thing we can out of this life changing thing that has happened to us. So, I am looking forward to a brand new, totally natural, thick, full head of hair. Until then, take lots of nice long showers and baths and appreciate how good the water fills rolling down your skin. 

By the way, if you are so brave as to go out without your wig or scarf, I say go for it, what a huge lesson in self confidence. If you can hold your bald head high and not give a cats claw about what everyone is thinking about you, imagine the amount of confidence you'll have in your everyday get up, if that happens to be something other than bald. 
]]></description></item><item><title><![CDATA[One Question]]></title><link>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/7820</link><guid>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/7820</guid><description><![CDATA[The other day My mother-in-law asked me if I was dying. Needless to say I felt offended. I got mad and wondered why she would ask me that, I mean, I am married to her son, you would think that she would ask him in private. Anyway, at the time I half heartily told her that was up to God, and left it at that. I didn't think about it for a couple of hours, then all of a sudden it hit me, I felt very depressed. The sadness that I felt was incredible. It was the worst night I've had since this whole thing started. I cried a lot. I didn't get much sleep and when I woke up the next morning I immediately burst into tears. From the time I found out about the cancer I never once thought that I would actually die. 

In the mist of crying and thinking about what my funeral would be like, I caught myself. WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING!!!! I let one person, one human, define my destiny with one statement. I knew right then that I was no where near as close to God as I should be. I started to pray, really pray. I gave myself, and my life back to God. By the time I finished praying, the weight of death lifted and all I could feel was the love of God. 

The bible says that the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men. A lot of times people say things that we perceive as hurtful or foolish. But I believe that sometimes God is speaking through others to get our attention. If it had not been for that comment I would have not realized that my relationship with God was so severely damaged. That statement that seemed so foolish caused a domino effect that pushed me straight into God's arms again. If she had asked my husband that question in private, he would have told her "no", and he would have never told me about it. So I say thank you Jesus, for allowing my mother-in-law to be so bold as to ask me a question that changed my perception, and further showed me that God still works in mysterious ways.

]]></description></item><item><title><![CDATA[I give up...]]></title><link>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/7819</link><guid>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/7819</guid><description><![CDATA[I realized today that I have been trying to fight cancer all by myself.  This is not my fight.  God promised me that I would be healed of all of my afflictions.  As much as I say it, I haven't truly believed it for a long time. I have been leaning on friends and family and everyone else I could find for support, but I forgot about God.  I know that God sends people in my life for love and support and strength, but when you forget about God, it's like changing the date of the party on the one who planned the whole thing.

Today I am giving myself permission to give this to God. I'm tellin God when and where all of my appointments are, so he can be there with me.  He can help me and my husband remember to ask the questions that we forget.  You know those little questions we think don't make a difference.  I'm giving him permission to go into the lab and look at my films and slides and to make sure that nothing was overlooked.  I'm giving God permission to talk to my doctors, because who knows my body better than God?  I give God permission to speak to my doctors about what they should do, and to guide me in the direction of treatment that's best for me.

I will always believe that I was put in this position for a reason, but in order to have a testimony of being cured of breast cancer, I must trust that God can and will cure me.  My mother always says if your going to pray why worry.  With this new year comes a new perspective.  I once said that I own this, it does not own me.  What I should have said is I do not own this and it does not own me.  I gave my cancer to God today, I'll let him throw it out.]]></description></item><item><title><![CDATA[I fill like a cancer super star]]></title><link>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/7790</link><guid>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/7790</guid><description><![CDATA[My doctors are great, but I think, they think, I'm either on drugs, not the ones they give me, or I'm drunk when I come in for my appointments.  I've always have a very laid back, this is no big deal attitude, which by the way is not a very good attitude to have when there's a lump in you're breast, but my attitude is the only thing that's keeping me from losing it right now.  Well, I should say my attitude, my husband, my friends, God, and this computer.  I start chemo in about six weeks.  So let's see, the week after Thanksgiving was my first surgery, the week before Christmas is my second surgery, and the day after new years I'm having a impacted wisdom tooth taken out.  My birthday is Feb. 23, so I should be just about ready for that lovely second round of chemo.  Hey at least my schedule is full. I fill like a cancer super star.  ]]></description></item><item><title><![CDATA[Khemo's a bitch, then you live]]></title><link>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/7787</link><guid>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/7787</guid><description><![CDATA[My trip to the oncologist was bittersweet. I knew that chemo was probably in my future, but I didn't know until yesterday just how much of my future it would consume. The doctor told me that because I'm so young, they want to give me the most aggressive chemo treatment they have. When she started explaining the side effects I have to say, I wasn't too surprised. She told me that I could basically eat whatever I want for now, I have too keep my weight up for chemo. No one should ever tell me I can eat what I want. I started thinking about what flavor ice cream I would be eating before she even finished that sentence. I don't really have much to say about my chemo treatment. Four or five months is just a spec of a lifetime. I just want to get it over with. I've already decided to shave my locs when they start to fall. I told my mother "it's just hair, maybe I'll decide to stay bald and get a tattoo on my head." She still doesn't get my since of humor, but that's OK, I think she's finally at the point of accepting the fact that I had cancer taken out of my body, I guess it'll do for now. ]]></description></item><item><title><![CDATA[going to the onconlogist]]></title><link>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/7786</link><guid>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/7786</guid><description><![CDATA[I had my first surgery about two weeks ago. I have to have another surgery Dec. 17. My sentinel node had a small amount of cancer so my Doctor will take the first two sections of nodes. Also, during to first surgery (lumpectomy of the left breast) there was another I guess questionable spot. It is also cancerous, this time non invasive, this means that more breast tissue has to be removed. My cancer is hormone receptive. Today I go to see the oncologist to talk about chemo and hormone therapy. I can't wait to work out, run. Right now I can only start to change my eating habits. I try to find out about tea and herbs that may help also, although I'm not drinking to many different things because I've read that mixing too many herbs may not good for me. I try to eat less meat. I can't help but to think that the steroids and hormones from meat helped my cancer grow. I used to eat meat every day. Now I try to eat more vegetables and fruit. If I really want some meat I'll have some, but definitely less than usual. ]]></description></item><item><title><![CDATA[Why not me?]]></title><link>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/7785</link><guid>http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/mynbcf/members/wykina-blue/journals/7785</guid><description><![CDATA[On November 16, 2007 I was told that I have breast cancer. I waited a year to have a mammogram done because doctors told me that the lump I found was no big deal, probably just a cyst. Even though the doctors that I went to at the time kind of suggested that I go and have a mammogram, they also made me fill like it would be a wasted trip, at times I even felt as though I was wasting the doctors time. I waited a year to go see another doctor and this was only because the lump that I had previously found was beginning to grow very rapidly. The doctor insisted that I go and have a mammogram, almost to the point of making me fill stupid for waiting, I owe that doctor a lot. I have stage two breast cancer. I now have an amazing doctor, and I know everything will be OK. 

I think that the reason the doctors thought that I was not in danger of having cancer was because I am only thirty years old, and I have no family history of breast cancer. I really have no excuse for waiting so long to have a mammogram and a ultrasound. I think for most women it's a relief to hear a doctor say "oh, it's nothing." We very rarely think about, the faint chance that it could be something more. I am here to say, PLEASE DON'T WAIT!!!!!!!!! No matter what you're doctor says, no matter how good you feel, no matter what your family history is, get the test done. Most of the time it is nothing, but if you catch "something" early, even cancer could be no big deal. 

After I was diagnosed the first thing I thought about was how to tell my family and friends. I began this list for a friend of mine who I knew would have a hard time with me having cancer. Upon telling her that I have breast cancer, I gave her this list so that the news wouldn't be so hard for her to digest. After she took a couple of minutes to cry, like I knew she would, she started to laugh. She was actually mad at me for being so calm. I've never seen someone laugh so hard at such bad news. I am grateful to God for my ability to make light of my situation, and for the realization that this is not the end of my world. I am grateful to God for friends and family that let me, make them, feel exactly the same way. You would be surprised at the amount of acceptance that laughter brings. I hope that you pass this on to as many people as you possibly can. You never know, one of you're friends might need to laugh too. 

Things that you are not allowed to say or do when it comes to Wykina and her "cancer problem." 

You are not allowed to say: 

1. Are you serious!!! (Nah, I don't have it. I'm just joking. Didn't you hear, cancer is often used as a humorous opening line of conversation.) 
2. She's doesn't look to good. 
3. What will I do without her. 
4. She was my best friend ( I am not dead, nor am I dying). 
5. I saw a wig that would look so good on you (this is before I even have to have, or start chemo) 
6. Well, at least one of your breast looks bigger now. 
7. So, is like, one of your breast an A cup, and like, the other one an A 1/2 now. 

Things you are not allowed to do: 

1. Buy a black dress, just in case. 
2. Take a tour through my apartment to lay claim on whats yours, just in case. 
3. Start searching the Internet for a really meaningful poem that comes from your heart to put in my obituary (that's just lazy, you should be writing your own damn poems anyway). 
4. Buy me smaller bras (which for me would be training bras). 
5. Start flirting with my husband now, in hopes of having first dibs later. 
6. Cry; You get one, maybe two, planned and organized outburst of emotion, however, they can't be in public and you must warn me first. 
7. Cry alone. You are allowed to cry alone, however, this is only acceptable if you have no liquor, all liquor stores are closed, none or your neighbors have any to spare, and the thought of drinking the rubbing alcohol in the bathroom cabinet makes you cry anyway. 

Apparently God has a really good since of humor or he would not have given someone who already wears an A cup, breast cancer. He's lucky I can take a joke. I joke because I own this, it does not own me. The day I found out that I have breast cancer was the day I became a breast cancer survivor. 

My mother was the hardest person to tell that I have cancer. My mother is a very religious, and doesn't believe that you should "claim things." Until this day she still cannot say the word cancer when she talks to me. She gets mad if I call "that thing in my chest" cancer. She still does not believe that I have cancer, and she doesn't want me to say that I have cancer. This kind of positive, miracle driven attitude should help me, but it just makes me mad. If it was not for all the stories that I've read about what different women have gone through, stories of triumph, stories of pain, I would not know what the hell I'm getting ready to endure. I appreciate and respect any woman who owns her cancer and is not afraid to fight it. Not claiming it to me would be like giving up, and that would make me depressed, Anyway, how are supposed to know that there's something wrong with you and not find out more about it. When I first felt the lump I didn't automatically say "Oh my God, I have cancer," in fact I really didn't worry too much at all about. But now that I know that I have cancer, I can share my story with others. I can start to treat my body better than I have been. As weird and morbid as it may sound I fill like I actually have something to live for, to fight, to overcome, and to help others. I am claiming what I have because I am not afraid to have a conversation with God as to why I was chosen to endure this. I was always taught that you shouldn't ask God why. But I believe that in certain situations God may be waiting for you too ask why. 

I do not believe that I will die from this. I do not believe that I am being punished for anything. I believe that everything happens for some reason, and somethings lead to life changing journeys, and some things will never make any sense to me at all. Maybe I was chosen because someone else could not have handled it the way I have. Maybe I needed a wake up call. Maybe I needed to see that life is too short. If I had not have had this experience I would not have had the chance to take inventory of my life. I was forced to see that I haven't done much, at least by my standards. I am a good friend, a funny person, a considerate human being, but is that enough? I used to write poetry. I used to be creative and inspired. I used to see the glass as half full. Until now the only glass in my life that was half full had vodka in it. Too often work becomes life. We live to work, we don't work to live. I think a lot of people, including myself sit around and wait for life to happen. We consider the talent that God has given us to small, or too insignificant to share with the rest of the world. We think that people will laugh at our ability, because it's not what is considered excellence. I think a lot of us are just waiting to die, and hoping that eventually something will come along that will make that feeling go away. I have learned that you can make your life happen, or it will happen to you. You also have to figure out what's important to you. You're opinion of a full, beautiful life may be different from those around you. Are you living to fulfill someone else's expectation of what a full life should consist of, or are you willing to step out of the cookie cutter and become the shape you were meant to be. 

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